- Wed Sep 14, 2005 9:25 pm
#119
My name is Steve and I went to the Basic at the request of my biggest champion, my sister Susan. She knew that my wife and I were having a rough time; making ends meet, meeting each other on any common ground, and connecting with our family. My sister was very straight forward in her request, she said “I want you to be the person you need to be in all this and to be happy.” She was very clear that this was not a fix-it workshop, nor any kind of counseling. My sister was, as always, correct.
My relationship with my wife had deteriorated to the point that we didn’t talk, we didn’t live in the same house, and I was watching the clock tick away until our divorce was final. Incidentally, I got my divorce papers in the mail. Did I mention we weren’t talking?
I attended the Basic one month before my divorce would be completed. I’ll use a the words of a dear friend I made in my Journey “What I got out of it (the Basic)” to write the rest of “what became possible.”
Here at the end of my marriage, I had been telling myself that “if only she would be communicative, sensual, and committed then we’d be fine.” I realized that while all of these things were important to me, I wasn’t doing anything to create them in our relationship. I was very supportive. I was very compassionate. I was completely checked out on my life. I couldn’t envision what a life together looked like because I hadn’t taken the time to do so. I hadn’t stopped to consider who I could be.
I had already paid $2500 to a lawyer as a retainer “as a start” on the divorce paperwork. By the third day of basic, I was calling my wife and talking. Just talking. I called her once a day for the next two weeks. Guess what, she called me back each day once for the first week and twice each day the second week. We were communicating, because I went first. Bolstered, I considered that I had given my word that I would do EVERYTHING in my ability to have our marriage work. To date, I’d done nothing except in passing (drive-by counseling.) I asked if she’d join me in Marriage counseling and we did so for the next 6 months.
I entered the Advanced with an appreciation for my word and for my commitment to create what I wanted in my relationships. By the mid-point of the Advanced, it was clear to me that most of my decisions had been made by not choosing. There were exceptions, choosing the woman I wanted to marry, creating an incredible baby boy, and to end my marriage if we couldn’t work it out. However, there were more “un-choices” than not. One such un-choice was that lawyer from Basic; you remember the one I was letting write whatever he wanted so that I could “win” the divorce and he could charge me whatever he wanted. I asked him to stop the proceedings of the divorce. Guess what he said? “I can’t.” I’m thinking, ‘you are my lawyer and you are telling me you won’t stop when I tell you to? Time for a new lawyer.’ At least half of the retainer had been exhausted and I barely had a countersuit written to match my wife’s suit. My wife and I were communicating regularly and my commitment was at an all time high to make things work; quite a reversal from watching the divorce clock. Turn’s out that ‘what she started, she gets to stop.’ I asked if we could not get the divorce and begin working, really working on being a couple again – being man and woman; husband and wife. She agreed. The suits were happily dropped by the lawyers who then wished us well and urged us to get marriage counseling.
By now, after two years of silence, we were sharing more in a space of two weeks than we ever had. I’ll make up that she had seen the difference in me and when I asked her to go to the Basic, not for me, but for herself – she went. Talk about busting the doors off communication… At the end of two months, I knew more about my wife than in I did in the prior 12 years of our relationship. We opened up and shared our expectations, our emotions, and our resentments; in counseling, in privacy, and in workshops that we’d kept from each other previously. Hey, I could tell you about it, but it’s a confidential experience – would you want someone else telling your story to everyone? I’d rather tell it myself, I keep the juicy bits in!
I had never intended to attend more than the Basic. It was a lot of money to spend on something as nebulous as “the man I want to be.” But I spent it reluctantly, and when I had my Advanced Living Interview I knew I was going on to the next stage and gladly paid for it. At the start of Advanced, I knew I had work to do and I knew I wasn’t going to do Leadership. By the end of Advanced, I had the tools I needed to be “the man I wanted to be.” Let me be clear here, I’m not talking about “the man that Legacy wanted” me to be or even “the man that my parents wanted” me to be. I am talking solely about the kind of father, lover, and human that I myself chose and then defined my ways of being and my actions. Me. The guy who made choices by not-making-choices-then –choosing-what-came-in-the-last-seconds-before-the-buzzer. When I walked out of Advanced, I walked into the registration line for Leadership. Why? Because I asked myself “how many times have you put off doing something for yourself? Something that would serve you and hold you accountable?” The answer was, I never did something ‘constructive’ for myself. I did things to make me happy, or bring beauty in my life, or for the benefit of others… but for myself? I had few needs. This was the first time I spent, a great deal of money, on myself for the benefit of myself.
Bet you think I forgot about “the man I wanted to be” thing, huh? You’re curious, I’ll bet. Have you made up anything yet? Good, let’s match it up. I wanted to be the kind of man who said “it needs to get done because it’s the right thing to do” and then does it. I wanted to be the kind of man who said “I’m committed” there’s not a soul around who doubts that no matter how long it takes, no matter how hard or how scary it is I’ll be there 100%. I wanted to be the kind of man that all women want as a husband and as their lover, but none save my wife can have. I wanted to be the kind of father who laughs, cries, plays with his children no-matter-what on a daily basis. I wanted to be the kind of guy my customers, my friends, and my family know that I’m reliable, loving, forgiving, and honest (in integrity with my words.)
I am “the man I wanted to be.”
I know this is true because I pay attention to my life and the way I’m being in it every day. I am conscious to what I am creating in myself and in those around me.
You’ve read this far and I’m sure that you are expecting a happy ending with birds singing, blue bows, and the sun coming out. After completing my Leadership course, I had a firm handle on what it took for me to be committed, forgiving, and loving as a leader in my family and in the world. Over the next four months I continued marriage counseling with my wife. (Yep, sorry Legacy is a coaching company – you’ll have to bring your own psychiatrist. BYP?) I took a stand to have the results in our relationship that I wanted or to end our marriage, and in October of last year I had my completion. Our marriage of 9 years was at an end. Let me point out a few things, this was not an ultimatum-or-else scenario. This was my describing exactly what I thought we could create together as a couple and a request for a commitment to that vision by a certain date. Three days before that date, I had her answer – her choice was not in alignment with my vision. We had already dropped the original Divorce proceedings months earlier and of the two $2,500 expenditures, Legacy vs. Lawyer, the better spent of the two was sending my wife through the journey. In six weeks, we worked with a mediator to complete our divorce, our property settlement, and our custodial agreement for our son for a total bill of $500; $250 a piece. In six weeks, with a tenth of the money spent to achieve a useless countersuit document, we had discussed and agreed upon every issue concerning the dissolution of our marriage. In December, I stood sworn in before the judge and vowed that we had reached agreement and accord that our divorce be ended. Our mediator took a moment to point out what had been achieved in a matter of weeks. The judge indicated that he was very impressed by our willingness to reach agreement peacefully and said that our efforts were “commendable.”
A great deal has happened since the divorce some nine months ago. My ex-wife and I communicate regularly. I have had dinners, conversations, and birthday’s with my former in-laws (there is something fun about calling them out-laws, though.) Much of what had been lacking and I’ll say deteriorated our marriage has since been added and we have created a new relationship. I have created time to spend with my son, time to spend with myself, and time to spend on my career. I have cultivated new and rejuvenated old relationships with my friends, my family, my ex-family, and my customers. I am a committed, single father who has raised his son over the past two years. It’s now my ex-wife’s turn to raise him per our agreement and I have no doubt he’ll excel in the home she’s created.
Congratulations, you were right! It was an ending with blue birds of happiness singing, first place ribbons decorating every achievement, and my sunshine has bathed me with the warmest glow I can imagine; love. It is an ending that is actually a beginning, one very similar to completing the journey to find out that really – this is when things start.
Steve Stevens
NC65
